Relapse

We’ve probably all heard that “Relapse is part of recovery” and I guess it’s true. I relapsed a couple times. Most recently this week. I had been away to London and ended up breaking my Veganism and vegetarianism while out for dinner as the menu had very little that I could and would eat.

Which made me feel utter crap. To the point where I got home and caught sight of myself in the mirror and pretty much broke down and cried. I felt disgusted with myself, angry, sad, and a whole load of other emotions discussed in my group therapy shiz. I felt I needed to be punished, that I had and have done something so wrong. My will power left me when I should’ve just gone without but I used that excuse to go silly. Eating massive amount of meat and urgh…just disgusted with myself.

I relapsed with my eating and I relapsed with my cutting. I had been clean since January.

This is where the whole relapse is part of recovery comes in for me. Cos I feel even worse now. I feel like I’m going to tumble down Everest like a puppy with his tail between it’s legs.

I’m trying to make myself see, logically, the good things. The fact that I’m still taking my supplements and shakes, that although I did eat meat and stuff it was no where near as much crap as before I started eating different.
I don’t wanna feel this sense of failure again which will be my motivation and “why” for carrying on. Although now I have reset my totals it makes me want to stay at zero a little while and make the most of it.

I just get caught in a catch 22 situation. My weight and self perception are very strong triggers for me. And I think it has knock on effects. Such as my social anxiety and self confidence issues. All stemming from my perception of being this big fat ugly disgusting person I see when I look in the mirror. (Not helped by randomly being told by people “how much weight you’ve put on” or “you fat bastard” although in banter. People don’t realise that each time I hear that I want to physically cry. It just adds more self loathing to the pile. Takes another breath of air away from me and pushed me further down the mountain. Even family members have mentioned it. And I know i am fat but since when was it ok to tell people that?!?)

It is also why I dislike going out with people. It seems “normal” people all like to have a bite to eat when going out. And I just can’t understand why? Meet for breakfast? Umm no! That’s a home thing. We don’t meet for showers or teeth brushing so why do we insist on eating breakfast together. Even going up to London for the weekend. The driver wanted to stop for some food!? What? Burger King!? Urgh. I had fries. Satisfries, 30% less fat same grrrreat taste, allegedly. But that’s why I prefer to be alone. But when I’m alone I get anxious about being alone. Which is why I end up staying in. So I force myself to go out.
Last week I went to a gig, but when I got there I had a panic attack, drove home crying and shouting at myself. So angry and disappointed. Calling myself every name under the sun. But I felt so stupid. But I was told that many people wouldn’t gig on their own….especially to the music I listen too. But I guess my perception of normality is off kilter cos to me that seems a logical and normal thing. I struggle going into town alone. But I can grocery shop alone. As I guess that is a normal thing to do alone. But in town or gigs….I feel that is normal but feel abnormal doing it. I am trying to explain it but I can’t. It sounds like a paranoia thing when I say “I feel people are watching me…” But that’s not an adequate description of how I feel. I feel really self conscious about myself. I have no confidence. Like if I were to look at clothes in town I would be really conscious of the other customers or the staff looking at me and internally judging me and thinking “pfft that is not something you should wear”
I have tried explaining to a few people and they try and comfort me like “they aren’t looking at you. Or they aren’t ALL looking at you. So what if they are. They could be in their own world. What do you care if they are..?” And such other comments along those lines. But somehow it makes me feel worse and makes me feel even more of a freak and loser.

Like, in my head I am hearing “don’t be stupid what would they look at you for?” And I end up feeling worse.
All this, I feel stems from my poor self perception of myself. My weight and other issues that led to my long bout of agoraphobia and how I was made to feel while suffering it.
So, although this isn’t the most positive post on here, i promise to be nothing but honest on here and hopefully this shows that no matter who you are and how long you’ve been clean, we can all stumble and hopefully we will realise that it isn’t the start of a big drop.

I am not in the best frame of mind to add positives to this.
The pain of relapsing can be enough to kick start recovery and keep us going.
Apologise for any erratic changes in flow or other grammatical or spelling errors. I am posting from my phone direct through gritty eyes.
This is where my group therapy thing comes in handy. I am trying to get into “logical mind” and see things properly. Although I keep falling back to “emotional mind” which doesn’t help at all.
I just, I hate myself a lot really. I have massive issues with my appearance and people who I’ve told that to, make silly remarks or don’t understand.
They say “well if you don’t wanna have people look at you why pierce your face and stretch your ear and have tattoos” not realising that if I have those, when/if people talk about me it will be “the guy with manhole cover sized hole in his ear” and not “the fat one” or “the one with the tattoos on his chest” not “the guy with Jordan boobs”.
Or they say stuff like “there’s nothing wrong with you” when clearly there is. I know I am overweight and need to do something about it. I try and not mention it too much cos it triggers comments like the above but I am at a loss at how to shift it. I try eating right but I think I expect too much too soon. I want to lose it all so much. I try exercising, but jogging proper kills my back.

I try eating better and although I’ve slipped up, I think I am doing ok. But could obviously do better. I am fortunate enough to have a very supportive family member who helps me with my fitness and such.
I quit smoking with zero problems or relapses over a year ago. That was with no weening off, no patches or fake fags or anything. So why can’t I reduce food consumption? Why can’t I motivate myself to exercise more?
Every time I say “tomorrow….tomorrow….tomorrow” but I need to make tomorrow today.
And hopefully by sharing this with you, readers will inspire me and motivate me to do it. To show you how I am. How my struggle with who I am and how I look makes me feel. But if I can come back here next week and say “yes, I did it. I went a week clean, a week eating right, a week with exercise” then it can inspire others too. A day at a time. A week at a time. Then before you know it, the months roll past and habits change.
I am hoping you, dear readers, will be my inspiration which can then inspire you back.
Together, we can support each other just by listening or giving a space to speak freely without judgement.
To anyone that I feel I may have let down, I apologise, but mostly, I apologise to myself and I promise to try again. To never give up. To take each fall with strength to get up again.
This I promise to myself. I will not quit.
Winners never quit. Quitters never win.
So many cliche saying, but they are all true. Despite what I think of myself emotionally. Logically I know it’s not how many times you fall, so long as for each fall you get up. You can fall 99 times. But it doesn’t matter so long as you have gotten up 100 times.

This time next week I hope to be posting an update of how I have got back on it and made changes again.

Thanks for sticking with me. And apologies again for a more gloomy post than usual.

Take care readers and know, you are never alone. For me, knowing that there are others reading this probably saying “I know that feeling” and not judging, makes a massive difference to me. Thank you. Together we can support each other.

A relapse

A fuck up
A loser
A waste of space

A disappointment
A failure
A fucking disgrace

Relapse is part of recover
So I guess I’m recovering well
But it doesn’t feel any better
In fact it feels like hell

I let the blood flow out
Stain my patchwork skin
I’m not made for this earth
I’m scum that’s so full of sin

I can’t resist the urges
Some things I just can’t restrain
I say I won’t eat or cut
But then I relapse again

The weight keeps piling on
So I try to cut the fat out
But the blades are too fucking sharp
And I’m left with tears as I shout

I wish I could be like the others
I wish that I wasn’t me
I wish that when I looked in the mirror
It was someone else that I’d see

But for now I remain just a loser
A fuck up devoid of all hope
Sometimes I think that the answer
Lays at the end of a rope

——-

Recent relapse with my eating and my cutting. One leading to the other on a vicious circle leaving me crying and carving the word fat into my own leg :( pissed off and disgusted with myself.
Trying to use these feelings as incentives to push on and stay clean.

Panic Attack

Panic attack
Heart beats faster
Waves of shame crash
Against the ragged rocks of my soul

The burning blood boils to the surface


Embarrassment
Tear blurred vision
Anguished sobs
Drown thoughts of reason
Skin aches to be scarred
To be cut

My own anxiety
Suffocates my dreams
With boney cold hands
It holds my twisted ankles and pulls
Never allowing to progress

Panic attacks and sadness
Anxiety and shame
Constant failure with unfulfilled ambitions
A metaphor for me

A failure
Shameful
Sadness and
Hyperventilating
Over worked negativity
Lies that drown me
Every word another attack

Bruises from punches
Blood from nails so sharp
Attacker unseen
Resides within

A life of failure
A life of pain
A life not worth living
A life insane
——-

After a recent panic attack, I wrote this with an almost accidental acrostic part way down.

Shut Down Surabaya Zoo

Originally posted on Dangerous Winters:

Hey Readers,

Apologies for being away!  I have had a very empty head of late and everything I have tried to write has just come out as “You suck, give up!” so anything I wrote would’ve been just bluegh.

Anyway, this post isn’t about Ivey or myself, it’s about defenceless animals in Surabaya zoo, east Java in Indonesia.  There are some pictures that you may find distressing.

This is taken from the Change.org website which has a petition to stop what is happening.  They can tell you more than me…

Click to sign

A giraffe found with a beachball-sized wad of plastic food wrappers in its stomach has died at Indonesia’s largest zoo, Surabaya. The 30-year-old male giraffe named ‘Kliwon’ had for years been eating litter thrown into its pen. The wad of plastic found in his stomach weighed 18kg (40lbs).
This is sadly just one example of the heartless…

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A single lonely tear

A single lonely tear falls down my barren pallid skin
Emotions start to stir in the cavernous space within
It falls to silent sobs, that wrack my crooked frame
I just can’t describe this soul destroying pain
It hasn’t even happened but if I think it, it feels real
It’s the worst ache imaginable and it would never heal
The thoughts of life without you make me want to die
So the biggest piece of me, promise never say goodbye

Suicide Awareness, Understanding And Tools

Originally posted on Dangerous Winters:

The other night I found myself at my sister’s university, in a small declining-stair-of-a-room with rows of seats forming semi-circles. There were a handful of people seated and two projectors projecting upon the wall at which the chairs were all facing. My sister, somewhat unknowingly, told me it was a suicide prevention and awareness play. And to a degree it was. It was a one man, pocket-sized props, shortened play put on by a small stature, chin-stubble man with a gigantic personality. I mean, this one man using only a chair, glasses he occasionally and strategically whipped out of his pocket to portray a certain character, a folded up piece of paper and his own cellphone, put on hands down the best play I have ever seen in my entire odd existence. While, true, I have seen very few of the things, there is an undeniable fact that this man…

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Another Darkness

Another darkness descends upon my lonely worthless day
Lost count of how many I’ve spent in this same pitiful way
With eyes red raw from tears of self hate that fall with disgust
So common are those acidic drops that my steely heart has turned to rust
For when I cry, its mirrored within my painful selfish soul
My self-centred egoistical ways have taken their toll Continue reading