Sizing Up to Feel Better – A Shopping and Clothes Post!

Well hello there readers…..Been a while since I actually wrote a proper ass post apart from links and poems, so I thought maybe I should write something.  Wasnt sure what, maybe an update on my depression, battle with self harm yada yada…but maybe next time.  Thought I could do something a little different that maybe wouldn’t be expected from my blog…..a fashion piece!!!

Yes I am blogging about…………….

I have been having ups and downs with my weight, I think it was made to look worse as I was hanging on to my old clothes and obviously they don’t fit anymore and that made me feel depressed.  But we are talking back when I was like a 32inch waist I aint that anymore…probably wont be again as I have not just put on weight but filled out too, which I am accepting, but at one point I managed to get down to a 28inch waist and I guess I still have parts of me that, although I wasnt “well” then, still misses that. Continue reading

Mumford and Wristcutters

So, I thought I would have a crack at making a video for youtube….i have never tubed(?) Youbede(?) meh i dunno..

Anyway, i wasnt sure what to do, but i saw a couple of videos where people have put music over clips of their favourite films so i thought i’d try that.  As Cat in The Hat wouldnt be very adequate i chose my other favourite movie “Wristcutters: A Love Story” (Click here for a previous post i made on this movie) and then decided on a song.  The song was the hardest bit to choose.  I have a massive range of musical tastes, i wondered if heavy, rock, acoustic, emo……i decided something soft but with a “journey” in the song…something that feels like it has a beginning, middle and end.  So i chose a Mumford and Sons song called “White Blank Page”.  It has a circular feel to it and a rise in the middle.

I’m babbling now, but anyway, here it is!!  First ever youtube video!!


A return to darkness

I see you’ve returned
The perpetual darkness that stunted the development of my happiness
The acrid putrefying mould than grew upon my soul
You’ve come back
You were gone
I was happy
But now

The cancerous infectious nature of you has spread throughout my core
Reaching to parts the sun never shone
But darkness knows too well
Leaching the positivity
Replacing with your hate
Self loathing

The disingenuous calm that proceeds your melancholic assault
Lures me deeper
Eyes closed In to the pleasure of dreams built in life
As you destroy nightmares from the depths of slumber
Dragging as their blackened nails claw helplessly against the moss strewn floor
Snapping and oozing with a gangrenous pus
You’ve found me again

The smile was too much for you
The light that sparkled behind the watery orbs made you sick
Made you spew your disgust and hate towards me
Forcing me to swallow it down into my swollen disgraceful stomach
Growing at the seam as I’m filled with the same

The same hate that caused scars from before
Left blood pooling, rich and metallic against stainless steel blades
Oxidised by description
You found me again

Will I ever be free of your malodorous stench that seeps into every pore of my wretched criss crossed skin
Will you release me to life
Or am I destined for death


Although I’m feeling so much better and healthier than I have for a long time. There are still the odd pockets of darkness. But now I know and am aware of then and understand that to an extent it’s normal I find riding them out and writing really helps me through them.

Absent Minded Stroll (An A-Z Poem Attempt)

Absent mindedly I strolled through the moonlit grounds
Basking in the lunar glow before losing myself in long drawn shadows 
Carried by the gentle breeze I reflect the night 
Dark within but holding a being of brilliant light 
Enchanted by the gravitational pull of your love
Fulfilled by your whispering voice from a body I cannot see
Ghostly sounds upon the night air
Hissing to call out to me
I pace towards the melodic sounds of gentle enticement 
Just out of reach you seem to be hidden
Keenly I search the darkness for your form
Leaning my body towards the hedgerows in hope of finding you there 
My mind can place your voice 
Nearer than I had thought 
Origin of the sound eludes me
Pacing I move with a purpose 
Quicken my steps as I go 
Realising the words that I hear 
Still remain the same in my head
Truth be told your voice isn’t whispering 
Unless you’ve travelled so far 
Visions of your face in the moon light 
Willed by my aching heart 
Xerostoma effecting my attempt to call
Yearning to just say your name 
Zero replies will come to me as the clouds pour down with rain

My healthy mind, my healthy body

Recently I have been taking a product called Juice Plus. What is it?

I could give you the whole spiel about it being the next best thing to fruit and veg, giving you more than 25 of your “5-a-day” or whatever is it 7 now?

But first, let me tell you about me and my journey with it.

For as long as I can remember, I have had IBS (terrible cramps, needing to go often etc.) this effected my confidence and stopped me doing a lot of thing. I also have had aches in my muscles and joints, prone to breakouts of spots, headaches and also depression.

Last August I finally found the courage to go to see the doctor about my moods. Most who have read this site will know I was low, I mean scarily low. Suicide was considered on a daily basis, I was self-harming daily, and I didn’t sleep. I had full on insomnia meaning sleep of around an hour a week was a good week. I didn’t want to do anything; I sat at home, feeling crap. Depression, if you haven’t experienced it, is a horrible horrible thing. It’s like being trapped under water unable to breathe and seeing everyone swimming by without issue. You feel under a pressure you can’t identify. The cliché is it’s like a permanent grey cloud overhead raining only on you.
Nothing is positive; you see only the bad things. Everything really is doom and gloom.
I was prescribed medication, therapy, group therapy and I still self-harmed, I still would break down into tears for no reason. I looked in the mirror and despised what I saw looking back at me. Not disliked or hated, but properly despised. I saw this fat, ugly scruffy guy who didn’t deserve any happiness.
So I started taking the meds, did the therapy. Taking meds was a feeling of failure to me at first. I felt I had no control over anything anymore, which led to OCD, taking charge of things. Spending 2-3 hours cleaning one window until I fell asleep in the window. Cleaning the kitchen 4 times because each time I missed a spot.

So my cousin mentioned to me, he was over from France to go to a convention in Birmingham. Something to do with a product called Juice Plus+. I hadn’t heard of it, but seeing as I hadn’t seen my cuz for a few years and there could possibly be free stuff, I thought “Why not?” I was expecting like an exhibition type thing, with lots of stalls and stands giving away free stuff and balloons! But it was a proper conference with massive theatre seating for like 3500 people or more! I am not good with crowds or meeting new people. But I thought I’d stick at it. Not like I could just walk away. I don’t like making a scene or drawing attention.

So I carried on. Met a few people. Everyone is just so lovely. It felt odd to see these random strangers to me, just talking and treating me like family! I was looking around and everyone was smiling, talking, happy, healthy. If I am honest, I thought I had walked into a cult!! But I now see that all these people were taking Juice Plus. And as I will say shortly, it makes you feel amazing.


We were sat in the auditorium thing and first speaker I saw was someone called Dr Mitra Ray PhD. And after 5 minutes of her speaking….I turned to my cousin and said “Dude, sign me up. I need to be taking this stuff”. He just nodded at me and told me to just keep listening.
She talked about Juice Plus with so much passion but also with her medical qualifications. Explained the benefits and the how it’s all natural.
I was so hooked.
I listened to different people, Mark Colbourne and Dave O Brien. Two incredibly inspirational men. One a Paralympic Gold Medallist in cycling. The other, the oldest man to run all the deserts in a year and only the 3rd man alive to do so. I listened to them open mouthed, it was amazing. Not to mention all the other stories and testimonials from other people. I was blown away. I was fortunate to speak to Dr Mitra, Mark and Dave one to one, and they are just incredible and friendly people. They have a real thirst for life and like everyone who takes Juice Plus, a passion for it.


Long story short, I ordered a four month supply of Capsules and Shakes that day. The capsules being Fruit, Veg and Berries and the shake I ordered was Vanilla.
I started taking the stuff about 10 days later, maybe more. I think I had them in the cupboard for a while as I carried on being down and eating stupid stuff, getting more and more upset with my weight and appearance. Then I doubted myself, “As if I can keep to this?” “What makes me think I can do it?”

But I started. I took photos on the first day, measured my waist, hips and chest…..and I cried. I really did. Seeing myself and reading my measurements. It was so upsetting, distressing and made me feel so crap.

The Beginning

The thing you will hear with Juice Plus is “What’s your Why?” Some can be to lose weight for a special occasion, to gain muscle for training, to help fight illnesses, improve skin conditions, and help with sleep issues, hair condition, depression, IBS. Whether you want to train for a marathon or to help with a sport you take part in. My why was to get me off the meds and lose weight. But my why has changed as I have taken them, seeing the results has made my Why grow and develop.

Now, 5 weeks on how am I?

I will post some pictures further down, but please be warned I will be showing my forearm from the self-harm to show, not only have I stopped, but how well the Juice Plus helps the skin heal and make the scars less visible (I’ve heard it does the same for cellulite and stretch marks).
But in the 5 weeks I have lost 6 inches from my waist. I sleep normally, I don’t take my medication, I don’t self-harm, my IBS is gone, my skin is smoother, I feel more productive, I have grown in confidence, I no longer crave the bad foods and drinks I did before, I exercise, I have made some excellent friends through the support that comes with Juice Plus (through Facebook groups, exercise classes, support meetings etc.). It doesn’t feel like a diet, that’s the important thing to me. I have had issues with eating in the past and if I restrict myself I will restrict everything.
I don’t starve myself, maybe I am not as strict as I could be, but this is my lifestyle change now, not a 6 month diet. So I will have the odd naughty thing, although I don’t crave them anymore and if I do, they just don’t taste the same. I found being too strict at first detrimental to me, I went from slob to raw vegan which isn’t necessary. It actually made me feel worse at one point.
But now, even my eyes look like they have more life in them!!


I may sound like I am trying to sell this to you and even though I am a distributor. But it’s like a secret I want to share with everyone! I want everyone to feel the goodness, feel the motivation, the shift in mentality. Take part in the support groups and exercises, make new friends and gain confidence. I want everyone to know about it and I will probably bore people around me when they cough and I say “I haven’t had a cough in XYZ since I took this”. But it’s because it’s so amazing. Its natural, it’s controlled, it’s been researched by universities, it’s given to cancer patients in American hospitals! The US Government researched it to check that the peer reviews were all accurate, the 30+gold standard peer awards were correct.
I could post pictures of the backs of the packets, and you will be able to read the ingredients. Not stumble over words you haven’t seen nor heard before. Show you the percentage of your recommended daily allowance is in each capsule and shake. Its incredible stuff, I am proud to take it, proud to know people that take it and I am proud to share my experience with it.

If you want to know how I was before Juice Plus… the rest of this blog.

Juice plus is whole food nutrition. It is raw fruit and vegetables. It protects at a cellular level. It is the most thoroughly researched nutritional food product, ever! 17 years of double blind testing all coming back to show it does what it says it does.

If you want any more info, just ask. :)

Now some after photos.



My arm