Sizing Up to Feel Better – A Shopping and Clothes Post!

Well hello there readers…..Been a while since I actually wrote a proper ass post apart from links and poems, so I thought maybe I should write something.  Wasnt sure what, maybe an update on my depression, battle with self harm yada yada…but maybe next time.  Thought I could do something a little different that maybe wouldn’t be expected from my blog…..a fashion piece!!!

Yes I am blogging about…………….

I have been having ups and downs with my weight, I think it was made to look worse as I was hanging on to my old clothes and obviously they don’t fit anymore and that made me feel depressed.  But we are talking back when I was like a 32inch waist I aint that anymore…probably wont be again as I have not just put on weight but filled out too, which I am accepting, but at one point I managed to get down to a 28inch waist and I guess I still have parts of me that, although I wasnt “well” then, still misses that. Continue reading

Mumford and Wristcutters

So, I thought I would have a crack at making a video for youtube….i have never tubed(?) Youbede(?) meh i dunno..

Anyway, i wasnt sure what to do, but i saw a couple of videos where people have put music over clips of their favourite films so i thought i’d try that.  As Cat in The Hat wouldnt be very adequate i chose my other favourite movie “Wristcutters: A Love Story” (Click here for a previous post i made on this movie) and then decided on a song.  The song was the hardest bit to choose.  I have a massive range of musical tastes, i wondered if heavy, rock, acoustic, emo……i decided something soft but with a “journey” in the song…something that feels like it has a beginning, middle and end.  So i chose a Mumford and Sons song called “White Blank Page”.  It has a circular feel to it and a rise in the middle.

I’m babbling now, but anyway, here it is!!  First ever youtube video!!


A return to darkness

I see you’ve returned
The perpetual darkness that stunted the development of my happiness
The acrid putrefying mould than grew upon my soul
You’ve come back
You were gone
I was happy
But now

The cancerous infectious nature of you has spread throughout my core
Reaching to parts the sun never shone
But darkness knows too well
Leaching the positivity
Replacing with your hate
Self loathing

The disingenuous calm that proceeds your melancholic assault
Lures me deeper
Eyes closed In to the pleasure of dreams built in life
As you destroy nightmares from the depths of slumber
Dragging as their blackened nails claw helplessly against the moss strewn floor
Snapping and oozing with a gangrenous pus
You’ve found me again

The smile was too much for you
The light that sparkled behind the watery orbs made you sick
Made you spew your disgust and hate towards me
Forcing me to swallow it down into my swollen disgraceful stomach
Growing at the seam as I’m filled with the same

The same hate that caused scars from before
Left blood pooling, rich and metallic against stainless steel blades
Oxidised by description
You found me again

Will I ever be free of your malodorous stench that seeps into every pore of my wretched criss crossed skin
Will you release me to life
Or am I destined for death


Although I’m feeling so much better and healthier than I have for a long time. There are still the odd pockets of darkness. But now I know and am aware of then and understand that to an extent it’s normal I find riding them out and writing really helps me through them.

Absent Minded Stroll (An A-Z Poem Attempt)

Absent mindedly I strolled through the moonlit grounds
Basking in the lunar glow before losing myself in long drawn shadows 
Carried by the gentle breeze I reflect the night 
Dark within but holding a being of brilliant light 
Enchanted by the gravitational pull of your love
Fulfilled by your whispering voice from a body I cannot see
Ghostly sounds upon the night air
Hissing to call out to me
I pace towards the melodic sounds of gentle enticement 
Just out of reach you seem to be hidden
Keenly I search the darkness for your form
Leaning my body towards the hedgerows in hope of finding you there 
My mind can place your voice 
Nearer than I had thought 
Origin of the sound eludes me
Pacing I move with a purpose 
Quicken my steps as I go 
Realising the words that I hear 
Still remain the same in my head
Truth be told your voice isn’t whispering 
Unless you’ve travelled so far 
Visions of your face in the moon light 
Willed by my aching heart 
Xerostoma effecting my attempt to call
Yearning to just say your name 
Zero replies will come to me as the clouds pour down with rain